fate and prostitutes

what is magic? is it possible to enter a zone when everything you do, every last breath adn chance encoutner, is charmed? yes. levi says yes. and the opposite is possible too. ive had both those kinds of days--but Chiang Mai is giving me only good magic. i dont know how to explain this; i claim to be religious in an unspecified sense but this is sort of a defined irrational view i have, that there are series of choices we make that are either good or bad in some unknown cosmic scheme of things, adn we cant really make mistakes, but once on a certain path or after making certain choices there are som ethat are good adn others that are bad... and you can feel it when you are making the right choices, sometimes its like youre swept up in that rightness and its carrying you--like the moment you catch a wave surfing and youre moving in sync with the wave, not giving any power but moving through it, part of it and using it... this is maybe too mystical. let me rephrase: i feel good. this is a nice place.

anyways, the train was.. um... there was this 56 year old thai woman who didnt speak any english who decided to make good friends with me, sitting across from my seat on the train and gesturing rapidly, none of which i reall yunderstood--but the main gesture of importance was two pointer fingers laid together... i took it as either 'girlfriend' or 'sex,' both of these important questions, requiring very different answers--so i just laughed with her and tried to sleep after it got scary. but it didnt stop--she stuck her legs across the aisle and was rubbing my thighs with her toe, or would rest her legs against mine after id move--the train was crowded so i couldnt really change seats--i stuck my legs across the aisle to be more comfortable, and she reached down and sort of scratched my bare foot with her nail, blinging clanging into my mind a lesson from AEON about how rubbing the inside ofsomeones palm when shaking hands means 'lets have sex' in some coutnry, maybe the phillipines... maybe it was all my imagination. or maybe she was a prostitute.
anyways, she got off at magical and ancient ayutthaya, a spot further blessed in my mind because thats where she got off. the rest of the trip, and there was a lot of it (about 15 hours), was uneventful, but uncomfortable even after the train cleared out a bit, trying to sleep. i had a greyhound night, one where there are about three positions that half work in the fucking uncomfortable seat youre in, anbd none of them work well or for long, so you halfwake out of half sleep and adjust positions hoping the part that gets sore in that position has had enough time to rest, and that youre not impinging on anyone elses space too badly, as they struggle through the same third-class public transportation dilemma. id wanted to take 2nd class, with a sleeping cabin, but they were all full. the difference was only 30 baht, or 60 cents. worth it, but they were out or the army-uniform-wearing fellow behind the ticket machine didnt like me too well. foreigner suspicions, im suspicious of my own suspicions after seeing my friends distrust japanese folks cuase they couldnt understand teh language, but because i could knowing the people were treating them fairly... anyways. im from a rich country and get to go back to it and dont have to stay here all my life sweating behind a tuk tuk wheel for 200 baht a day, so i think in the larger scheme i deserve a bit of it. im staying in a nice place tonight, 150 baht, theyre doing my landry, two beds and a window, not smelly, hot water, trekking trips leavin gdaily for bamboo river rafting, elephant riding, jungle hiking... love to go, but heres my dilemma.
heres the crux.
heres the A and not-B or vice versa of the day, possibly of the week or the whoel rest of the vacation:
first thing i did after i settled into the hotel was call Wat Ram Poeng, the meditation center here thats foreigner friendly and was recommended by that buddhist scholar fellow a couple days back at wat mahathat (ps! http://www.watrampoeng.org). i was hoping i could just come for a few hours a day, but they are hardcore and unrelenting. as a favor, it seemed like, as the bare minimum possible, i can stay there for ten days iwthout leaving, without writing, without reading, etc etc (read the website), trying to meditate 20 hours a day. the usual course is 26+ days. apparently 10 is the bare minimum, but because ive got some experience at wat mahathat and with zazen in CA, ten might be alright for me... but the dilemma is, is ten alright for me? do i wanna use ten days of my 30 in thailand for a meditation retreat? do i wanna cut off all contact with teh world and y'all and all that delicious thai food and fun treks on elephants backs and white sand beaches to eat rice porridge sleep on wood slats and meditation twenty hours a day? i guess i know what youre thinking the answer is, but i am really torn about it... its something ive always wanted to do, and what an amazing experience to do it here... something i can talk about the rest of my life... not like everything else i do here isnt also amazing and life-experience material... so im torn. im flip-flopping. im the fish out of water not sure if i wanna slip back in and be an average tourist and try to socialize and wring some meaning out of idility, or if i wanna be hardcore and wring meaning from myself and do something really difficult that will most likely be really rewarding and require some sacrifice on my part. to be honest, i really wanna do it. as i was thinking about it, i realized my biggest reservation was that i wouldnt be able to do it, and that that reservation in itself is total bullshit and all the more reason for me to do it. i dont wanna lose contact with everyone for ten days, and sort of wonder if ill be able to hack not really having conversations with anyone for ten days--- but, thats the draw of it. can i do it? im sort of over 'is it worth it?' -- im sure its all worth it, that no matter what i do ill be like 'im so glad i did that.' like i said before (did i say this before? i know i wrote it somewhere) every experience is valuable if you know how to find the value in it, and there are some paths that are better or seem fated, but they are all worthwhile and hvae good endings if you make those endings happen. ive thought for a logn time that to be a volunteer and really help people you have to already have helped yourself, and i dont know if im really there yet. i guess its a never-ending quest to be perfect, but i know i could be better than i am, and use that for the forces of good. plus, being idle all the time and just wandering gets old, even in a crazy totally foriegn country with all sorts of shocking and never-before-seen stuff. i need to be gainfully employed doing something. dont i sound like im gonna do it? yeah... but i promised Mie id correct the grammar on her pre-thesis paper, and would feel really bad after promising so many times to do it if i didnt do it... i think thtas the only thing holding me back. hope it can be worked out.
other interesting experiences today include: thai peanuts, which are purple adn soft, having tasty clear soup for 15 baht, coconut milk from the coconut, which is popular here, angry thai postal worker telling em they were gonna close an hour early and implyign that i oughta get my business finished up already, hanging out with thai police officers next to teh riverfront, eating the peanuts (well OK we weren treally hanging out together, but we were on the same set of benches...), being accosted by people wanting me to stay at their guesthouse upon leaving the train, the internationally-awarded Vienpiang suit store having its yearly grand celebration and being recommended by two separate people to me as a must-see, suits for 8000baht, top quality, today only low price, one singaporean man just stopped me on the street and started talking about it... he mentioned a novice initation session tomorrow too at the spot where we were standing--apparently 1000 kids are going to be initiated into the monkhood--so itd be an auspicious day to start the retreat at wat ram poeng, if i do it... getting a lesson from the woman at the suit shop, yes i went, about real and fake cashmere and silk, night vendors of all smiles and temperaments, new german friends, giving money to another single mother on the street at night, this one with a two year old and seven months into another baby... obviously nowhere to go if she was still out then. i felt so bad for her, rubbed her childs head (oh shit! i just remembered thats really rude here! anyway), we all smiled, he seemed really happy, i gave her the water i was drinking and 500 baht, which is enough to do some good things for them for awhile. i know i cant purify my karma with money, but im a softy. i feel guilty for not giving more, which is surely christianity and buddhism dancing in my heart. thats todays installment--if there isnt one tomorrow, there wont be one for ten days. but stay tuned! love and good wishes, in untold but substantial amounts, showering upon you unexpectedly in teh form of good or bad weather from overseas, from Chiang Mai Thailand--